Honestly I don't even know what went wrong. I think I literally went crazy. The kids got up and decided to do some crafting this morning. Now those who know me know I am mostly a free range parent. My kids are welcome to get crafts, toys, snacks, anything really, whenever they want. That is not to say I don't have any structure, I do. I love routine and order but I want my kids to feel confident in their ability to learn and explore without always asking permission.
So back to my morning. They were happily crafting while I was getting a few things cleaned up and ready for the weekend. We are planning on being gone for about five days and I was busy getting things ready. Let me say here that we are not on a strict schedule today. We are heading to my sisters house today but have no strict time frame. She is working and not even planning on us until later today. That's important to note, so you will see that I was being completely unreasonable later. Well, after awhile I say to the kids that it's time to start chores. I mention it nonchalantly and they of course nonchalantly ignore me. OK no big deal. I wan't in a hurry. One child even jokes that they are not going to do chores today and will just make crafts all day. After a few minutes I walk to the table to really get them moving. When I say it really is time to clean up, two of them run off, I assume to start doing chores. We may never know because here is where I became someone else. I look at the table and there is milk EVERYWHERE! I mean the table is covered, the bench has spots of milk all over. There are straws taped together that are a mile long (o.k. an exaggeration), and glue and tape strewn about. Again, I am really o.k. with messes. I don't love them but I can deal with them. I have no idea what changed today. I went nuts. I started yelling this is ridiculous over and over like a maniac. The poor child who was still at the table took the brunt, and I told him to get out of there. I yelled something along the lines of I will do it myself, everyone loves making messes and letting me do all the work. I mean seriously I was out here ranting about having no help and how I can't believe this mess. I don't even know all the things I said. After a few minutes of cleaning up, I calmed down and realized what was happening. Of course I knew my children were all hiding in their beds, no clue about what was going on. Their mother has lost her mind and they are certainly not used to being yelled at, so I am sure I scared them all to death.
So here's where guilt sets in. I take my time and clean up. Then calmly approach the room. By now I'm in tears my kids are in tears and I feel awful that I made everyone cry literally over spilled milk. How is that for a cliche. So I gave the speech about how sorry I was and that I was totally wrong for acting that way. But here is the thing with kids. The damage is done. Sure they forgave me, we hugged it out, but that little bit of trust is gone. I try really hard to stay even tempered with my kids no matter what. I never want them to feel fear when telling me something.
I think some might feel I am talking about being a push over or never disciplining. I am actually quite firm when I mean business and I absolutely have high expectations of how my children should behave and treat others. And there are consequences for sure. But never through fear, I want my children to know that even on the hardest days we are in this together and all mistakes will be made right, together, with love. So today was a huge parenting fail. Not only did I lose my temper, but over something so stupid and meaningless. I vowed that I will try harder to never ever let that happen again. And I really hope it doesn't. I have a wonderful friend who quite possibly never loses her cool. She says all the time, Is this worth our relationship. I tell my kids that all the time when they are fighting. Is what they want worth ruining their relationship with each other and how can you get your point across while maintaining a loving relationship. I did not do that today and I will carry that guilt for some time. That's OK with me because it will help keep me in check.
Just know that we all lose it sometimes. We all say things or do things that we regret. Use that regret and just be a little better tomorrow. Don't dwell on it, learn from it.
That's my lesson for today. And I promise to be better tomorrow.
Miles of Love,
Stacey
Blogs are better with pictures so here's a cute one of my cute babies.
